Entering the BDSM lifestyle can be both exciting and overwhelming, especially for those new to the dynamics of Dominant and submissive (D/s) relationships. One of the most common questions for newcomers, particularly submissives, is how to identify a good Dominant to engage in a D/s relationship. Below, I’ve outlined five key qualities to look for in a Dominant. If the Dominant you’re considering lacks more than one of these traits, it might be wise to continue your search.
1. They Are Willing to Negotiate the Relationship Parameters
A good Dominant understands that a D/s relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. While some Dominants claim that in a relationship with a submissive, "anything they say goes," this attitude strips the submissive of their rights and bodily autonomy. Remember, submission is a gift that should be respected and cherished. Seek a Dominant who values open communication and mutual respect, and who is willing to negotiate the terms of your relationship to ensure that both parties feel comfortable and respected.
2. They Honor the Needs and Boundaries of Their Submissive
Just because someone identifies as a Dominant doesn’t mean they have the right to do anything they please to a submissive. A healthy D/s relationship requires mutual respect for boundaries. Beware of Dominants with a "my way or the highway" mentality, as this can lead to emotional, psychological, or even physical harm. If your Dominant continually prioritizes their own needs while ignoring or dismissing yours, it’s a sign that this relationship may not be healthy or sustainable.
3. They Take the Time to Truly Get to Know Their Submissive
While whirlwind romances can happen, D/s relationships should typically develop with caution and patience. Like any relationship, a D/s dynamic requires a deep understanding of each other’s personalities, needs, and desires. A good Dominant doesn’t rush into things; instead, they take the time to vet, groom, and test the relationship to ensure a good fit for both parties. Anything less could indicate a lack of care or recklessness—traits that are undesirable in a Dominant.
4. They Are Committed to Learning and Growing
A responsible Dominant is always looking to improve their skills and knowledge. Whether they’re new to the lifestyle or have years of experience, they should be reading, practicing, and seeking mentorship to hone their craft. A Dominant who neglects their growth can cause stagnation in the relationship and may even pose a risk to the submissive’s well-being. If your Dominant shows little interest in learning or self-improvement, it might be time to reassess the relationship.
5. They Prioritize Safety in All Aspects of the Relationship
Safety is paramount in any D/s relationship. A Dominant should be deeply invested in the well-being of their submissive, both within and outside the scene. This includes being aware of the people you spend time with, ensuring your safety during and after scenes, and caring for you in everyday life. A good Dominant acts as a protector, providing support and security while also respecting your autonomy. If your Dominant isn’t attentive to these aspects, it could be a red flag.
By following these guidelines, you’ll be better equipped to find a Dominant who respects, values, and cares for you. While D/s relationships have unique dynamics, they still require the same level of care, communication, and respect that you’d expect in any other relationship.