The idea of being commanded, spanked, or guided into performing sexual acts can feel exhilarating for many. But if you’ve never tried it, where do you begin?
What Is a Submissive?
A submissive is someone who willingly gives control to another, often in a sexual context. If the thought of relinquishing control excites you, you're not alone! Becoming sexually submissive is a very common fantasy.
- 5-10% of Americans engage in sadomasochistic (S/M) activities for sexual pleasure.
- 12% of women and 22% of men have an erotic response to S/M stories.
- 55% of women and 50% of men have responded erotically to being bitten.
- 14% of men and 11% of women have had some experience with sadomasochism.
- 11% of men and 17% of women have tried bondage.
So, if you’re curious about exploring submission, you’re far from unusual. But before diving in, here are some important steps to consider.
1. Educate Yourself
Becoming a submissive is not a decision to take lightly. First, take time to learn about submission and dominance. Many excellent books and online communities provide guidance for both newcomers and veterans. Some great resources include The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino and SM 101 by Jay Wiseman, which covers the basics of safe and sane S/M practices.
Additionally, you can attend a “munch,” which is a casual social gathering for those interested in the BDSM lifestyle. It’s a great way to meet experienced individuals and gain more insights into the submissive role.
2. Determine If You’re Truly Submissive
True submissives often have a natural desire to please a dominant partner and may enjoy feelings of being overpowered or humiliated. However, this doesn’t mean submissives are submissive in all aspects of their daily lives—many are people in powerful positions who seek release from their responsibilities in a controlled environment.
Ask yourself why you want to explore submission. Is it because the idea of giving up control excites you? Or is it because a partner wants to dominate you? Remember, submission must always be consensual. Never become submissive due to pressure from someone else.
3. Decide Your Level of Submission
There are various levels of dominance and submission. Some people incorporate light BDSM play into their sex lives through role-playing, spanking, or dirty talk. This is a great way to experiment without committing to a full-time lifestyle.
Part-time submissives may adopt the role during specific activities, such as in the bedroom or at BDSM events, while keeping it separate from other aspects of their lives.
Full-time submissives, on the other hand, may live in dominant/submissive relationships, often relinquishing control in most areas of their life. Some even sign contracts outlining the terms of their relationship. Like marriage, these relationships rely on trust and communication.
If you’re new to submission, it’s best to start small—perhaps with a bit of role-playing—before exploring a deeper commitment.
4. Know Your Limits
It’s important to recognize what you’re comfortable with. There may be certain activities, like caning or handcuffs, that you’re not ready to try. Just because others enjoy them doesn’t mean you have to. Know your boundaries and stand firm in them.
5. Communication Is Key
Communication is vital in any relationship, but it’s especially critical in a dominant/submissive dynamic. You need to be comfortable discussing your desires, turn-offs, and limits with your partner. Clear communication ensures that all activities are consensual and enjoyable for both parties.
Before any scene or relationship begins, have an open conversation about your boundaries and expectations. Be honest about what excites you and what doesn’t, and make sure to establish these limits early on.
6. Prioritize Safety
“Safe, sane, and consensual” is a motto widely embraced in the BDSM community. Whether you’re new or experienced, safety should always come first.
Many BDSM activities involve a level of risk. Before using any tools or toys, make sure you know how to use them safely. Additionally, always establish a safe word—something that can be said to immediately stop the scene if it becomes too much. Avoid using common words like “stop” or “no,” as these are often part of the role-play.
7. Distinguish Fantasy From Reality
While it’s easy to get caught up in the thrill of a dominant/submissive relationship, it’s essential to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Unless you’ve agreed otherwise, the role-play should remain just that—play. Your dominant’s actions are part of the dynamic, but you must maintain your self-respect and communicate if something crosses a line.
If your dominant doesn’t respect your boundaries, you need to be prepared to end the relationship. Respect for yourself and your safety should always come first.
8. Cultivate Patience
Becoming a submissive doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, practice, and patience to develop a true understanding of your role. Some submissives even undergo formal “training,” which can take months or years.
As you explore this new chapter in your life, have fun with it. Whether submission becomes a major part of who you are or just something you try, learn from the experience and, most importantly, enjoy the journey!