When we typically think about aftercare in BDSM relationships, our focus often goes straight to the submissive—their needs, desires, and recovery after a scene. It's commonly expected that the dominant (D-type) will provide this care. However, aftercare is not a one-way street; it can and should be a mutual process. As we immerse ourselves in BDSM play, it's crucial to approach aftercare through a holistic lens, considering the biological, psychological, emotional, and social needs that both parties have. This approach helps balance the hormonal and emotional shifts that occur after an intense scene, benefiting both the dominant and submissive.
Understanding Different Types of Aftercare
One of the first things to acknowledge is that aftercare comes in various forms, each addressing different aspects of our well-being. Let’s explore these types of aftercare and how they apply to both dominants and submissives.
Biological/Physical Aftercare
Biological or physical aftercare involves tending to the body’s immediate needs following a scene. For example, if blood sugar levels drop, replenishing them with something sweet like chocolate or juice can help. If the body feels dehydrated, a large glass of water is essential. Temperature changes might necessitate a warm blanket or a hot shower. Additionally, physical touch, such as cuddling, can release oxytocin, which helps both the dominant and submissive feel more connected and soothed after the intensity of the scene.
BDSM is an integral part of my identity for a multitude of reasons. (BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance/submission, sadism, and masochism.) At its core, it allows me to escape from the constant thoughts in my mind and the sensations of my body—on my terms—by consensually handing over control to someone else. These experiences require a deep level of trust and communication, enabling me to explore power dynamics and pain in a way that is both safe and pleasurable.
What is Aftercare?
Beyond the thrill of bondage, roleplay, impact play, and dominance/submission (D/s) scenarios, one of the aspects of BDSM I cherish most is aftercare. Aftercare is the intentional time spent attending to the mental, emotional, and physical needs of each partner after a scene. It’s a moment to reconnect, ensure everyone’s well-being, and reflect on the experience together.
“Sex, especially rough sex or sex involving kink, can be very intense both physically and emotionally,” says Kate Sloan, author of 101 Kinky Things. This intensity can lead to a variety of physical and emotional responses after the encounter ends, ranging from mild grogginess to deeper feelings of sadness or disorientation. These reactions often stem from physical factors like dehydration, low blood sugar, and the sharp drop in endorphins that can occur when returning to reality.
The Role of Aftercare
Aftercare isn’t just about making your partner feel safe and understood after a scene; it’s also necessary in certain situations, like when an injury occurs during play. “Aftercare is also important in cases where an injury has occurred during sex, such as if a heavy sadomasochistic scene leads to broken skin,” Sloan explains. In these cases, administering first aid is an essential part of aftercare.
Aftercare can look different for everyone, depending on their individual needs and the dynamics of the relationship. “Aftercare is as subjective as desire,” says Court Vox, Somatic Wellness Coach and founder of The Body Vox and Squirm. While some people are aware of their needs before and during play, others might not even realize aftercare is an option. Essentially, you don’t know what you don’t know.
Do I Need Aftercare?
When Christine from Rhode Island first started exploring her submissive side about 10 years ago, she was unfamiliar with the concept of aftercare. “I was under the standard misconceptions about what it meant to be in a D/s relationship or involved in BDSM, and I didn’t really understand the dynamics,” she recalls. Fortunately, she met a Dom who carefully guided her through her early experiences and continues to do so today.
For Christine, aftercare provides a safe space where she can gradually transition out of subspace and back into the present moment. “It’s also an acknowledgment from my Dom of the gift of consent I’ve given to be part of a scene and to experience it fully,” she says. “By pampering me, rubbing me gently, bringing me water or a snack, I feel like the energy circle is completed.”
Ideally, healthy communication lines should be established well before play begins, and that includes discussing aftercare needs. Vox emphasizes the importance of asking, “Who is this for?” Are you the one providing aftercare, or are you the recipient? Can aftercare be for both parties, and can it take different forms for each person?
In the end, aftercare is a crucial part of the BDSM experience. It ensures that all parties feel cared for and understood, allowing everyone to fully enjoy and reflect on the shared experience.
Emotional/Psychological Aftercare
Emotional and psychological aftercare involves processing the emotional experiences of the scene. This might include discussing what each person enjoyed, what made them feel good, and exploring new ideas for future play. Reflecting on these aspects can deepen the connection between partners and provide insight into one’s own sexual desires and boundaries. These conversations are not just for the submissive; dominants also benefit from this reflection, helping them to understand their own needs and desires more clearly.
Nurturing the Core Erotic Feeling (CEF)
For dominants, understanding and nurturing their Core Erotic Feeling (CEF)—the emotional state that gets them in the mood for a scene—is vital. Aftercare should aim to bring them back to this state, even as they return to normalcy. For example, if a dominant’s CEF involves being worshipped, aftercare might include the submissive tidying up the scene area, offering a favorite drink, or giving compliments and reassurances about what went well. This reinforces the dominant’s experience and makes the scene more memorable and fulfilling.
Social Aftercare
Social aftercare is about the environment in which the aftercare takes place. In public or group settings, dominants might not always have the opportunity to provide aftercare directly. In such cases, it might be handled by someone the submissive is close to. Some dominants prefer this, as it allows them to focus on their role without the added responsibility of caring for someone they don’t have a personal connection with. However, if the scene takes place in a more private or intimate setting, the submissive can anticipate the dominant’s needs, offering aftercare in a way that aligns with their preferences.
Dominants Have Needs Too
It’s essential to remember that dominants have aftercare needs just as much as submissives do. While they might not have the same physical marks to tend to, they can still experience fatigue or strain. For instance, a dominant who has been standing or using their hands extensively might need a massage to relieve tension. Addressing these physical needs can be incredibly restorative and should be a regular part of aftercare.
Furthermore, acknowledging the emotional and psychological needs of the dominant is crucial for maintaining a healthy, balanced dynamic. This includes offering gratitude, recognizing their efforts, and ensuring they feel appreciated and cared for.
Conclusion
Aftercare is a fundamental aspect of BDSM play that benefits both dominants and submissives. By considering the needs of both parties—whether physical, emotional, or social—we can create a more supportive and fulfilling experience for everyone involved. Remember, dominants need love and care too. Acknowledging and addressing their aftercare needs is essential for sustaining a positive, long-lasting play relationship.