When we think about aftercare in BDSM relationships, the focus often tends to be on the submissive's needs, desires, and recovery after a scene. As part of the kink community, it’s common to assume that the submissive (s-type) will require care following a scene, with the dominant (d-type) typically providing that care.
However, aftercare is multifaceted and should be approached from a broader perspective. It's essential to consider aftercare within a bio/physio-psycho/emotional-social framework, addressing the various needs that arise as both partners come down from the hormonal and emotional high of a scene. When viewed this way, it becomes clear that both the dominant and submissive can benefit from aftercare.
Types of Aftercare
Understanding that aftercare comes in different forms is crucial. Let’s explore some of these types.
Biological/Physical Aftercare
Physical aftercare involves addressing the immediate physical needs following a scene. For example, if your blood sugar drops, consuming something sweet like chocolate or fruit juice can help. If you’re dehydrated or sweaty, a large glass of water might be necessary. If your body temperature drops, a warm blanket or hot shower can help you regain warmth. Cuddling with your scene partner can also be beneficial, helping to release oxytocin and reinforce your connection.
Emotional/Psychological Aftercare
Emotionally and psychologically, participants may have a variety of needs to feel connected to the scene they just experienced. These needs are often met through conversations about what was enjoyable, what felt good, and what could be exciting in future scenes. Reflecting on the highlights of a scene can deepen your understanding of your desires and strengthen the bond between you and your partner. Both the dominant and submissive can find fulfillment through these discussions.
Nurturing Core Erotic Feeling
For dominants, understanding and nurturing their Core Erotic Feeling (CEF)—the emotional state that enhances their enjoyment of a scene—is essential. Aftercare is a key part of maintaining this feeling. For instance, if a dominant’s CEF involves being worshipped, aftercare might include the submissive carefully packing up tools, offering a favorite beverage, or providing physical affection like cuddling at their feet. Compliments and gratitude can reinforce the emotional power of the scene, making it a memorable experience for the dominant.
Social Aftercare
Social aftercare involves the environment and context in which aftercare takes place. In public play spaces, where dominants may engage with multiple partners, they might not be able to provide aftercare themselves, leaving it to the submissive's loved ones or friends. Some dominants prefer this arrangement as it allows them to focus on the scene without the added responsibility of aftercare for strangers. However, aftercare becomes more meaningful when performed with someone they care deeply about.
When approaching a dominant in a public setting, it’s important for submissives to anticipate their needs and communicate their own. For example, if a submissive admires a dominant’s technique and wishes to experience it themselves, they should approach the dominant after the scene and express their interest. They can also offer to handle the dominant’s aftercare if needed, such as providing a glass of water, a piece of luxury chocolate, or cleaning the tools used. This consideration helps establish mutual respect and care, especially in public settings where both parties are observed by others.
Dominants Have Needs Too
While we often focus on the submissive's needs, it’s crucial to remember that dominants also require aftercare. They may not have visible bruises, but they may have other physical needs, such as relief from arthritis in their hands or tension in their legs after standing for a long time. Attending to these physical needs can be a deeply healing experience for the dominant and should not be overlooked. The same goes for their emotional and psychological needs.
Regardless of the type of dominant, it’s important to discuss aftercare with them in mind, not just as the providers of care for the submissive. Considering the needs of both partners is essential for maintaining a healthy, long-lasting play partnership, if that is the goal.
In conclusion, dominants need love and care, too. By addressing the aftercare needs of both dominants and submissives, you can foster a more balanced and fulfilling dynamic in your BDSM relationships.