Understanding the Line Between Dominance, Discipline, and Abuse in BDSM
BDSM relationships are no more inherently abusive than vanilla relationships are guaranteed to be abuse-free. However, while recognizing red flags in a vanilla relationship can be straightforward, in BDSM, those warning signs can sometimes be easier to justify or overlook. But rest assured, the red flags are still there, and they should never be ignored.
My Story: A Brief Overview
I won’t dive into all the details, but here’s a quick summary.I endured more than a decade in an abusive marriage.Although physical violence was rare, the mental and emotional abuse was constant, leading to a diagnosis of PTSD. After he left me for someone else, he began stalking me, and I eventually had to obtain a protective order. Now, let’s focus on the red flags I ignored but wish I hadn’t.
Red Flag #1: Believing That Giving Them What They Want Will Improve Their Behavior
My ex was highly controlling, and nothing I did was ever good enough. Sex only happened when he wanted it, and even after he left, he demanded explicit photos of me with others (which I never provided). Around the fifth year of our relationship, I naively thought that if I just gave him what he wanted, the name-calling, accusations, and threats would stop. I even attempted to introduce a sex contract, but he dismissed it because he saw it as something I wanted.
In a healthy BDSM relationship, dominance involves mutual respect and consideration. Submission is a gift that should be valued, and any power exchange should be discussed and agreed upon. A good Dominant will never disregard the well-being—physical or mental—of their submissive.
Red Flag #2: Constant Accusations and Threats
Throughout my first marriage, I led a very routine life—working full time, taking care of our children, and even earning two college degrees. Despite my dedication, I was constantly accused of infidelity and threatened whenever I tried to assert any independence. My ex would go to extreme lengths, such as threatening to kill our pets or storming into a church to disrupt a service, to maintain control.
In BDSM, isolation and control without consent cross the line into abuse. While some people may enjoy consensual power dynamics that include elements of isolation, it’s never acceptable to be isolated from family, friends, or other support systems out of fear or coercion.
Red Flag #3: They Don’t Let Go, Even After They Leave
When my ex left me for someone else, I initially felt relieved, thinking it was finally over. However, he continued to harass and stalk me, even breaking into my home and stealing my belongings. Despite having a protective order and moving to a new location, he found ways to threaten and control me, claiming ownership over my life.
In a healthy BDSM relationship, boundaries are respected. When someone refuses to let you move on with your life, it’s not dominance—it’s abuse. A true Dominant understands and respects the importance of consent and boundaries, even when a relationship ends.
Asking the Right Questions
If you’re in a D/s relationship and feel that something isn’t right, it’s crucial to ask yourself some important questions:
Did you negotiate and document the terms of your relationship?
In BDSM, clear communication and written agreements help ensure that both parties understand their roles and expectations. If you haven’t established these, it’s time to reassess.
Are your needs being met?
While unmet needs don’t automatically signal abuse, repeated disregard for your needs after discussing them could indicate a deeper issue in the relationship.
Are you being isolated or controlled beyond what you consented to?
The foundation of any healthy BDSM relationship is built on consent. If you’re being isolated or controlled without your consent, this is a serious red flag.
Did you fully consent to all aspects of the relationship?
True consent means more than just going along with something—it means actively agreeing to it. If you didn’t consent to certain behaviors, such as name-calling or punishment, those actions are not okay.
If You’re Being Abused
If you have a sense that you're in an abusive relationship, trust your instincts. Abuse isn’t always physical; emotional and psychological abuse can be just as damaging. In BDSM, consent is key. If you recognize red flags in your relationship or with someone you’re considering as a partner, it’s vital to get out and stay away. Resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline or your local YWCA can offer support, regardless of your gender identity.
Remember, being kinky doesn’t mean being abused. Know where to draw the line.