The Benefits of Bondage: Insights Gained from My BDSM Journey

The Benefits of Bondage: Insights Gained from My BDSM Journey

BDSM: How Kink Transformed My Relationships and Mental Health
Once dismissed as a fringe activity associated with perversion and even mental illness, BDSM has gained significant mainstream visibility in the last decade. With media portrayals in "Fifty Shades of Grey" and Netflix’s "Bonding," BDSM is no longer confined to the shadows. But what about its presence in our personal lives? A 2017 survey in Belgium involving 8,000 participants revealed that nearly two-thirds had at least some interest in BDSM activities, indicating a growing curiosity about kink.
Beyond the bedroom, the psychological impact of BDSM, once considered harmful, has been re-evaluated. A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine suggests that BDSM practitioners may be "more psychologically healthy" than those who engage in more traditional sexual activities. Moreover, authors like Kate Sloan (101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do) have openly discussed how BDSM has positively influenced their mental health.
This comes as no surprise to me. Personally, BDSM has made me more self-aware, communicative, and has improved my relationships in ways I never anticipated. Let’s dive into the powerful relationship lessons I’ve learned through BDSM:
Advocating for Myself

When I first entered the world of BDSM, I quickly realized how hesitant I was to use my safeword. My tendency to avoid conflict and remain quiet often left me waiting for others to intuit my needs—a strategy that rarely works and often leads to resentment. This pattern carried into the bedroom, where it became both unsatisfying and, at times, dangerous.
BDSM taught me the importance of being honest and upfront about my needs. This openness has extended beyond the bedroom. For instance, I used to shy away from suggesting the use of a toy in sex, fearing it might hurt my partner’s feelings. Now, thanks to BDSM, I understand the value of clearly communicating my needs, leading to a more satisfying experience for both of us.
Taking Responsibility

The idea of being a "sub" initially appealed to me because it promised a break from making decisions—something I do constantly in my professional life. However, I soon learned that even as a sub, I had to actively communicate and establish boundaries. In the past, I expected my partners to figure out what worked for me without much guidance on my part, assuming they could read my mind as I tried to do with them. This approach, unsurprisingly, failed.
BDSM taught me that sex is a collaborative effort. It’s not solely my partner’s responsibility to make it enjoyable. Now, when trying new things, like using couples' toys, I make it a point to check in with my partner and speak up if something isn’t working for me.
Living in the Present

Despite years of practicing yoga, I struggled with staying present, often finding myself making grocery lists during meditation. This tendency to mentally check out extended into my BDSM experiences, especially when things got challenging—until a partner pointed it out. 

"When you check out, it stops feeling like a shared experience and starts feeling like something I'm doing to you, which doesn’t sit well with me," he said. His words hit home. Whether engaging in BDSM or having a casual conversation, it’s crucial to stay present and fully experience the moment. This awareness has allowed me to savor experiences more deeply and communicate more effectively with my partners.
Learning to Trust

I’ve always struggled with trusting others to handle my body carefully. Whether it’s during a trust fall, partnered yoga, or even a massage, I instinctively tense up. This instinct carried over into my BDSM experiences, where I found myself working hard to maintain control instead of truly letting go, even after setting boundaries and a safeword.
A partner finally called me out on it, reminding me that he wouldn’t hurt me and would stop immediately if I used my safeword. Realizing this allowed me to relax, trust my partner, and ultimately have a much richer experience. Now, I only engage in BDSM with people I truly trust, and I’m more open to exploring new experiences, like letting my partner control a toy, knowing they have my pleasure in mind.
BDSM as Relationship Therapy?

So, what did BDSM teach me?
Clearly communicating my needs leads to more satisfying experiences.
It’s my responsibility to contribute to the enjoyment of the experience, not just my partner’s.
Staying present and aware prevents relationships from feeling one-sided.
Trust is essential for a fulfilling, mutually satisfying connection.

Notice anything? These aren’t just keys to successful BDSM; they’re the keys to successful relationships in general. Speaking up, taking responsibility, staying present, and trusting my partner are all things I’ve struggled with in the past. Learning to master these skills has made my relationships infinitely more fulfilling.
I’m not suggesting that everyone struggling in their relationships should dive into BDSM—it’s up to each person to find the best way to grow and learn about themselves. But for me, BDSM has made me a better partner, both in and out of the bedroom.

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